“Fsck Off, I’m Saving the World!” is a t-shirt slogan I thought of while riding yesterday. Maybe when I settle down I can print all the stupid slogans I’ve thought up during this trip. You get lots of thinking time cycle touring. Pity my brain is such a scary place to be left alone..

Tee used up the last of my phone credit thanks to the bullshit rule Vodaphone has where I get charged to receive calls if I’m not in NL with an NL SIM card. This sucks! I wasn’t even told about their charging structure this time! Conclusion: Phone companies suck, worldwide.

The map I got from servo guy was great, until I tried to get to Bremen. See, Bremen is not Bremen at all. Bremen is Bremen-Nord and Bremen City is 30k away! Even Bremen-Nord wasn’t Bremen-Nord, it was Blumenthal or something. No signs on their bike paths. This is where my bitterness starts getting out of hand. Paths are horrible, rutted things. I want to throw my bike under a train and use PT for the rest of the trip. (This is just what I wrote in my diary. I was a little unhappy I think 😛 Actually, I’m toning it DOWN from what I wrote in my diary..)

The DJH hostel in Bremen was super-sexy modern plus! Apparently it had only been renovated and reopened in May-June this year. 20euro per night.

Into town I argued with a Vodaphone salesperson until I got the answers I wanted and then bought a German Vodaphone SIM.

My German mobile number is: 0173 / 4152279

At least, I think it is. It was the number the guy pointed to on the box.

Also bought a box of cycling-specific maps (North Germany, there’s also a South Germany pack, strangely enough) for 10euro figuring they would eliminate my navigation woes.. little did I know..

Bremen is VERY nice. It appeared to be much older than Oldenburg and Leer. Had much more impressive buildings! Also had at least 4 Vodaphone stores – WTF?!

Found out why “Alster” beer is so sweet with a taste I just couldn’t put my finger on. It’s Beck’s.. MIXED WITH SPRITE!! No wonder it tasted funny!

Speaking of Beck’s – Bremen is where batches of Beck’s beers are brewed, basically. All the bars are loaded to the rafters with every different Beck’s variant.

I had dinner at “Beck’s Bistro”, a tourist trap bar in the main square. For some reason the guy brought me out TWO Beck’s Green Lemon bottles when I clearly* asked for just one (*clearly to me is often not clearly to anyone else). Stuff it, rather than argue, I drank both. Turns out that they are only 50% beer anyway! What’s with all these beer and soft drink combinations?! I remember(ish) getting shit-faced in Munich drinking real beer from 1L glasses..

Had a “Jagerschnitzel” for dinner. It was kinda small but had a nice mushroom gravy on it. Came with those skinny frickin fries I hate (spiced for something different). Washed it down with a (guess..) Beck’s Gold. Yay, a real beer. Nothing special but at least it wasn’t watered down. Back to the hostel for a coffee and read up on Hamburg.

Oldenburg to Bremen Stats:

69.72k (73k at day’s end), 3h 28m, 20.2kph

I decided I needed another day in Oldenburg. I’m tired (ie. pissweak) and there is more to see.

Slept well last night (the beer helped?) and really didn’t want to get up, but I just can’t let a “free” breakfast go unattended.. mmm jaffa pocket cereal, fruit bread, meat and cheese, nutella.. mmm..

Roll down the street about 50m before it starts to rain. I’m cursed. Smile and it might go away, right?

Took some photos of stuff. I cant upload them from here though.

Germans like painting their buildings. I don’t mean with Mission Brown, I mean full-on mural artwork!

Visited the “Landesmuseum fur Kunst and Kulturgeschichte” which was pretty good. Nothing super famous. Was featuring Carl Spitzweg’s paintings – I’ve never heard of him but some pieces some were quite good. The museum also had an exhibit of “Paper Theatre”. Imagine a scaled-down theatre but all the actors, props and backgrounds are painted paper that people move around from outside the box they’re contained in. Also some cool modern (50’s onwards I think) photos from a French guy (Willy something?), weapons and other artefacts like clothing, the usual religious stuff, coins, cups. The building itself (once a “schloss” – castle) is a funny yellow on the outside and quite impressive inside with large chandoliers, funky woodwork, squeaky floorboards and that musty “built before you were around buckeroo!” smell. Not TOO big and only 3euro.

Tried a “Mezzo Mix”. It’s a softdrink – Coke mixed with Fanta!!

Imbiss (small cafe) for the German take on a doner kebab. Tried various beers here. You can buy a 700ml bottle of Bacardi here for 10euro 🙂

Oldenburg Stats:

20k of cruising around town.

“Kebablish” – The language used during the struggle to order immensely unhealthy food in the early hours of the morning, whilst very drunk. Typically without the ability to speak the local language OR the native language of the kebab shop owner, which often differs from the local language. Jan was there. Really. 😛

I am much happier now. Thanks all for listening. 🙂

On one hand, cycle touring in Germany is fucked.

On the other hand, cycle touring in Germany is fucked.

Pausing to think about this matter, before I make any rash judgements..

*thinking*

Cycle touring in Germany is fucked!

In case the point I’m trying to make isn?t clear enough yet – cycle touring in Germany is fucked.

If you are a road engineer in Germany, please kill yourself, before I find you and do it instead.

I think I have reached the end of my tether with this cycle touring lark. I’m either gonna bail to London or perhaps give Germany another chance using trains. MAYBE I will ride again.. but it’s not looking good..

Oh, I still think German people totally rock, it’s just the cycling I?ve got issues with. I had a frickin ball here last year. It’s just not working for me when there’s riding involved. I might blog properly, later, but now I’m too fucked to care.

*off to get rear wheel fixed again and find drugs*

I must mention El Seano. In a perhaps, not-so-strange coincidence, Mr. Sean left the same workplace I did a short while after me.. and guess what he’s doing now? Uh huh.. cycling around Europe!

Read all about his (surely more interesting than mine!) exploits here:

elseano.com

Pedal to the metal buddy! 😀

Oh hey, if you’re heading towards Berlin.. so am I! WTF am I typing this here for.. hang on.. *fires up gmail*..

NOTE: This post has been sitting in draft form since before I arrived in Groningen, hence the 23rd of July date. I now reveal it in its completed glory.. or something..

Lack of rain and dry gear this morning inspired a rapid and successful packing effort on my part. Time to roll!

Collected my shower token refund. Consulted map and one of the campsite staff (the blonde here is a total hottie and nice to boot!) and decide on: Zwolle to Ommen to Hoogeveen to Assen ending in Groningen as the best path to ride. Red and white fietspad (cycle path) signs point to Ommen from the main road near camp – too easy.

I joked to myself about “Bad Ommen” and was half right.. I stopped and checked out a funky little market (you’d think I’d be sick of sticking my nose into these things by now – they’re everywhere!) and managed to spend an hour riding in circles after that. The market was full of women in traditional dress selling things like stroopwaffels and bric-a-brac. Blokes with bees in glass cages, selling honey and honeycomb. Another guy making things from wicker, including a cool little bike.

A woman finally told me that “Dedesvaart”(?) was the town in-between Ommen and Hoogeveen (pron. “hoog eh vain”) – I could make progress again! Had some more trouble with a roadwork detour (not the first time – see earlier comments about the Dutch and their chronic construction issues). Followed a solo female roadie for a bit – I think she started riding hard when she saw me, not to prove something, just to get away from the hairy scary man! 😉

Outside Hoogeveen, I caught two chicks on a bike, one sitting “side-saddle” on the rack, as the Dutch do. The rider turned to me and said something in Dutch. I give her my best Dumb Aussie(c) look (not hard for me to manage!) and say “Sorry, I’m Australian” as I roll past.

She says, once I pass, “Niiiiiiiiiccccce Aaaaaasssss!!”

(in bold because this is a VERY rare moment for me! ;))

It was so lusty as to be borderline scary, now that I think about it. At the time, I pissed myself laughing.. and.. like the dickhead that I am.. I continued riding away! Man, just kill me now and end the suffering!

I got lost again after asking a lady with a horse for directions – she was right, of course, but I messed up her final instruction. Thankfully I spotted some real cycle tourists – the kind that carry fabled things called maps. These guys made me do an about-face and I was all good to go again!

Mark from Zwolle called to see if I wanted to go out (have I mentioned him? Nicest dude in NL, I’m sure!) just as it started raining. While stopped I put on the rain jacket. Clever aren?t I? DON?T ANSWER THAT! 😛

I told him I had already left. Sorry dude, I got itchy feet and had to roll when the weather was clear(ish).

I noticed myself looking at the speedo distance on longer rides and then freaking a bit when it was “high” and I still hadn?t arrived at my destination. Consequently, I forced myself NOT to look and just aimed for Groningen with a “don?t even think about stopping, mofo!” attitude.

If it wasn?t for this I probably would?ve found accomodation in Assen. Instead I found solid food and continued! Hamburger, chips (yes, again!) and some kind of energy drink. The hamburger didn?t even have bread! It was just a meat pattie in paper!

Groningen turned out to be closer to Assen than I (and the Rotterdam guy I chatted to at the burger van) thought. I was frickin? stoked to see “Groningen 15k” and “put in” a little bit. Found the Simplon Hostel quickly.

Paid 20euro for a bed in one of the large (20 people?) dorm rooms, which included an optional 4euro for brekkie. Turned out to be only 10-15min walk from the centrum.

Spent 25euro on dinner at Rigoletto a nearby Pizza and Pasta place. Garlic bread was small pocket/flat bread, with spread-your-own garlic butter. The “Emilio Romagna” pizza was one of the best pizzas I?ve eaten. The dessert was an over-priced, pre-packed let-down but that didn?t stop me sending it inwards. The staff were nice and I tipped bigger than usual after a chat with one who wanted to cycle tour 🙂

Headed into town for a look. Found some pubs and also a drum shop that I marked for later investigation – Stiggelbout Slagwerk.

Eventually: Bed. Sleep. Bliss.

Zwolle to Groningen Stats:

132.55k, 6h 22m, 20.8kph

Leer to Oldenburg:

Today (Sat 30th) I rode from Leer to Oldenburg. It was raining HARD this morning but the woman at the DJH youth hostel was scary in her insistence that I check-out by 9am and wait in the reception area, so I just wanted to get away (if I had enough toilet paper in the first place woman I could?ve had a shit earlier and been gone by 9am!). Leaving was a mistake. Soaking wet, lost, mad as hell.

Oh, before I forget, my RHS big toe is infected. I messed with it last night and made it piss blood over the floor.

It was fun. I took photos.

The nail has lifted up and underneath is all kinds of scar-tissue, pus, blood, skin goodness.. what a fscking mess!

hippy?s aus.bicycle nemesis would say “mediiiic!!!” 🙂

Service station guy in Hesel? was super-helpful and even gave me a USEFUL map to take with me. Saved!

Hesel, Remels, GrosBander, Hollreide, Moorburg, Hollwege, Westerstede (checked for hostel bed here – it was full), GieBel-horst, Langebrugge, Elmendorf, Helle, Gut Horn, Mansholt.. or something like that..

As has become the tradition for me, once I know where I need to be riding, my mood improves dramatically!

It’s strange that this mood-change seems to be linked to the weather, because the rain stopped and it soon became sunny enough that I got a bit sunburnt! Can I really control the weather with my mind? Stayed tuned for the answer on hippy?s Believe It Or Not..

German bike paths are pretty shite compared to the ones in the Netherlands. I took a photo at one stage where the entire path is a 10m-long puddle! The paths are often very rough too. This would not be an issue normally but I’m super paraniod about destroying another wheel or snapping the panniers off the rack (I bent the hook once already so I know they aren?t too strong now)! Bumps are bad! Some of the German paths are more like MTB trails than path.. I started riding on the road instead in places.. much to the dismay of one horny driver..

When I wave to other riders or nod or say “hi”, all I seem to get is a stare back. Maybe because I’m in knicks and jersey they think I’m Jan Ullrich in the off-season? (Nah, I wasn?t that fat.. oooh! harsh! :P).

Hostels here appear to close between 1200 and 1700. I arrived at 1600. This sucks, but I will have to adapt. The DJH hostel in Oldenburg only costs 19.80euro and has TV rooms, lock boxes in rooms and stuff – guess this place is a bigger city (it has a uni) so it needs to be a bit better? The guy here was really nice too – let me into the room before I?d paid and stuff.

Bakeries here rock! I had some awesome goodies from “Back Factory” when I rolled into town.. mm mmm! 😀

“Plundermohnsnecke” – sweet, snail-looking, glazed scroll thingie.

“Schoko-Quarkkuchen” – pastry base with a kinda cheesecake centre, topped with perhaps a choc version of the centre?

unknown – looks like fluoro fake spew but tastes really nice. Think mini pizza but sweet. Has cherries and icing mixed up on top.

Cappucino from their machine was waaaay too hot. I’m a fussy bastard for someone with no tastebuds left..

Looong shower (and clothes washing session). Noticed my jersey is starting to fail. Guess where? Yeah, where my guts is exerting too much pressure of course! haha 😛

Theresa emailed suggesting I drop in if I make it to Dinklage (pron. “dink lager”).

Can?t find anywhere trad. so I have a yummo “Rigatoni Spezial” (champignons, tomatensahnsoBe, Doner-fleisch) and an “Alster” beer. The Alster is very sweet but loses its initial appeal after half of the 400ml glass is emptied. Try a “Diebels altbeer”. Brown, 4.9%, 330ml bottle, looks like a Hightail, doesn?t taste like one 🙁

Love to say I went out and had a ball but… I fell asleep back at the hostel reading local gig guides!

Leer to Oldenburg Stats:

77k (total for the day: 87k), 4h 30m, 17kph (told yaz it was shite!)

Groningen to Leer:

Yesterday (Fri 29th) I rode from Groningen (NL) to Leer (Germany). In my typical style I spent the first hour lost and asking people how the hell to get out of Groningen and heading towards Leer. I cant recall much of the ride. I may have diaried it? An update will likely be made to this post.. aren?t you lucky.

Yes, I did write something. But it was only to mention stopping in a C1000 supermarket in “Beerta” for “Sneeuwmutsjes” – totally yummy, moist little cakes with jam ?baked into? them. A sweet “Limondaine” drink, “Aquarius” drink – like Gatorade (but weaker?) and some “Appelkoeken” (apple cakes) for later.

I travelled through: Hoogesand, Winschoten, Nieuweschans and Weener if you wanted to know that. If you didn?t, you just replaced your Mother-In-Law?s birthday with a town named “Weener”..

Found hostel thanks to nice lady who only spoke German but drew a mean shop-a-docket map! 🙂

25.60euro per night. Bit steep – hope it’s not the trend here. Got a whole room to myself though.

There was some festival on in Leer, but I only saw one marching band and then the cleanup operation. Lots of boats – it’s on a major canal or something?

Pizza for dinner (5euro) with a half-litre of beer (2.80euro). Didn?t really help my dehydration but I’m into quick kicks rather than long-term happiness 😛

Followed that with a beautiful blonde.. no, wait.. a beautiful Tiramisu! (4euro) 😀

Did the usual wander around town. Small and cosy but quite a few people – boat crews and tourists, mainly, I think?

Groningen to Leer Stats:

94k, 4h 26m, 21.1kph

Local bike shop fixed it in four hours because I was a scumbag Aussie cycle tourist! Paid 90 euro for it though. It’s black because it was the only 32H rim he had. I should?ve got him to swap the lot for a stronger 36H!

So, in the process of cleaning the chain, I notice this..

FSCK!