I quit!

I have quit the courier thing because for the money it just isn’t worth it and it was hampering my full-time job hunting. I need to make more than 12quid a day if I want to travel Europe!

I describe it to people as the best and worst job in the world – getting paid to ride a bike, but getting paid fsck all. I just haven’t got the patience to wait until the controller likes me before he starts handing me reasonable amounts of work. Spending large chunks of the 9hr day reading Terry Pratchett isn’t so cool when I should be riding and earning.

One day I might give them back their nice, warm jacket.. 😉

Anyway, I can be suicidal all by myself – I don’t need a controller telling me where to go. Has anyone blogged their own suicide? Um, don’t mind me, I’m just miserable and morbid right now.

Arrgh! Whatever! I was riding out from London without my lights (oops, it gets dark before 5pm now and I didn’t think I’d be that late!), pissed on German beer (but riding pretty straight, I thought), covered in frickin’ red and white safety tape by Sophie the bargirl so I didn’t get squished on the way home!! haha I blame El Seano! (another obiwan/openwin tosser, I mean dosser.. :P)

No helmet either, because it was taped into my bag and I forgot about it. I’m not dead so perhaps we should ban the wearing of helmets? – they are obviously ineffective. Helmet debate! Hang on, this isn’t a.b? Oh nevermind!

Pumpkins and roller racing


For Halloween we had a Pumpkin Extravaganza and STOP PRESS! I actually cooked something!

I’m not talking nuking TV dinners here, I made Pumpkin Soup! With real pumpkins (I think they are a vegetable?) and all!

“Big deal!” you say.

“Fsck you!” I say.

I haven’t cooked anything more complex than boiled pasta since Res. college in first year.

Suffice to say, it turned out fantastically (even if I did prefer Fiona’s effort) and Jamie Oliver now wants me to help him out on his next TV series.[1]

I had to skip all subsequent pumpkin courses, because I was going to Rollapaluza IV, just to see how a lardarse from downunder stacked up against London’s fastest couriers. Not very well haha! I qualified (that was surprise enough – they must have let everyone in!) and then grabbed a beer and waited until first elimination round, perving on the mass of bikes locked up outside and chatting to other riders.

Actually, the results are now up on Moving Target and it seems I qualified around mid-field. Awesome, I’m not the slowest rider after all!

Deadly Treadlies played.

I’m not into punk at all but their set was feckin’ cool and had most people up and moving. There was another band on later but brain and body were toasted and I can’t remember who they were.

I can’t remember who I was up against first (’twas Kalim), but I beat him, racing around the 500m “clock” that was connected by majick to the rollers, atop which the bikes sat.

The next elimination round had me racing against Pink Nick, last year’s fastest qualifier, who comprehensively slaughtered me.

I wonder if more or less beer would’ve improved my speed?

After that it was frantic with the crowd going mental, riders getting naked (glad I didn’t have to use the bike after that! eew!) and generally nail-biting eliminations.

Jade Lean (an Aussie!) and Susanne Guenther ended up the victors on the night.

For a more detailed report and pics from the night, view the Moving Target report here.

My Rollapaluza IV pics can be found here.

Rollapaluza V will be held Saturday April 15th 2006, at the Horseshoe, Clerkenwell Close.

[1] I was drunk and may have misheard him[2]

[2] I was very drunk and Jamie Oliver may not have actually been anywhere near me, ever.

Friday, now get me a beer

Courier Tip: Don’t put a letter inside the (folded in half for convenience) clipboard and then drag it out to check the delivery address. It will not go back into your bag, you will arrive at the destination, notice its absence and perform a frantic search for the letter. Realising you have dropped it, you will kill anyone within a 10m radius just because, scream down the road to where you checked the address and thank fsckingchrist the letter is laying on the ground. Deliver it and wait an hour for heart rate to drop to normal.

Friday was a good day. I guess the end of the week is when everyone has to rush to deliver stuff. I managed a new record of 14 deliveries (still laughable – I need a regular paying job!), was paid for 20 minutes wait time when a pickup wasn’t ready on time and still read a large chunk of Terry Pratchett’s “Sourcery”.

The funniest delivery was when skanky, sweaty, smelly, scruffy little ol’ me had to pickup from a fashion boutique. It was next to a Dolce & Gabbana store, which should give you some idea of the overly-financial, pretentious, limp-wristed, “that looks simply divine” clientele browsing here. I had to turn and laugh when I heard some of the comments they were making about the clothes. To mess with me, the pickup turned out to be a HUGE handbag style shopping bag which wouldn’t fit in my already-huge messenger bag. I had to carry the thing over my shoulder, riding one-handed down Piccadilly. They had the last laugh.

I had planned to attend the 6pm Critical Mass and during the day someone even asked me where it was – lucky for him I’d written down the directions! But, my last job for the night was just before 6pm and sent me into NW1, Camden Town or something. Nowhere near the CM start point, or home, for that matter. Skipped CM and didn’t get home until 7.30 after making some wrong turns in the city. And people ask me for directions – ha!

Daily Distances: 73k, 81k, 70k, 83k (20k of each of these is commuting Ealing-Marble Arch-Ealing)

Moving Target

In a move that has shocked the bicycle messenger community, Buffalo Bill, London’s second most famous ex-bicycle messenger, has announced the inauguration of a brand-new, blog-style, web version of the long-running London cycle courier fanzine, Moving Target. At its swank web address www.MovingTargetZine.com, the digital version offers more comprehensive coverage of matters messenger than the paper version, the 24th edition of which is on the streets from 20th October.” (from: www.londonmessengers.org)